Earlier today, due to a compromised intestinal situation, I had to take a dump using this toilet. Disgusting, I know. Looking at this photo, most of you are probably wondering how I found the time to visit the slums of Mumbai. But this isn't Mumbai. This is Van Owen Boulevard.

This reminds me of something I've been meaning to get around to. I want to put together a blog/iPhone App called Los Angeles Toilet Finder. Stay with me on this, it will get brilliant. Look, in Los Angeles, you're likely to get stuck in traffic anywhere. But what happens if you get stuck in traffic and you suddenly need to go to the bathroom? Do you try to hold it until you get home, or do you take a chance on that grimy gas station at the next red light? With Los Angeles Toilet Finder, at your fingertips will be a database of restroom reviews. From restaurants, to office buildings, to city parks, if there's a lavatory available to you, you can bet your ass I've used it and have a strong opinion on it one way or another.

While I may be unfamiliar with fringe areas such as Van Owen Boulevard, I can assure you I've thoroughly explored every area of the city you need to be. And I've defecated in all these places.

On Los Angeles Toilet Finder, restrooms reviews will be based on the following five criteria:
-accessibility (if you can just walk in off the street, or if you'll need to slip past a security guard, pretend to be an office temp, or enter through a loading dock/jump a fence).
-lighting
-cleanliness
-general ambiance
-serenity level

What happened to me today could have been prevented. At Los Angeles Toilet Finder, we promise to work day and I night to make sure it won't happen to you.